Back to Home page Musician's Joke Page

Musician's Joke Page

The longer jokes are at the end of the page.

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." - Hunter S Thompson

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between a 14" pizza and a musician?
A: A 14" pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: You can tune a lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to change the bulb, one to kick the ladder out from under her, and one to say, "I knew it was too high for you, dear."

Q: What is the difference between a soprano & a Lamberghini (fancy sport's car)?
A: Most men haven't been in a Lambergini!

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler ?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How do lute players spend their time?
A: They spend 80% of their time tuning and 20% if their time playing out of tune.

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you get the viola into the toilet without hitting the sides.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

Q: What is the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: How are a bagpipe player and blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Neither has to be very good to get everybody's attention...

Q: Where is a good place to practice the bagpipes?
A: North Dakota.

WhatŐs the difference between a rock guitarist and a classical guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays three chords for a thousand people, and a classical guitarist . . .

A few definitions:

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.
Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.
Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.
Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.
Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.

I'll be Bach. - Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger

Q: How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
A: Shoot 4 of them.
Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutes playing a unison

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up?
A: The drummer who keeps bad time: the other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

Q: What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: How do you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
When you plug them in, they suck.

Q. What does it mean when the guitar player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is level.

Q: How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: How do you make him stop?
A: Put notes on it!

Q: How many guitarists does it take to read a page of sheet music?
A: When you find one who can, ask.

Q: What do you call a guitarist's voice mail?
A: Mommy.

Q- What do you do when a guitar player comes to your door?
A- Pay him for the pizza and shut the door quickly

Q- How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A- What do you think?

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the guitarist had to show him how first.

SON: Dad, when I grow up I want to be a musician.
DAD: Well you know son, you can't do both.

Q: What's the difference between a frog driving down the road in a car and a trombone player driving down the road in a car?
A: The frog might be driving to a gig.

Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: A dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What's the difference between a charging bull and a symphony conductor?
A: The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

A note left for a pianist from his wife:
Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.

Someone requested Victor Borge that he play something by Bach, to which Victor replied, "Which one, Johann Sebastian or Offen?"

What is better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ

The gig was just about ready to start when the band leader called the female singer over and said:

"Listen, tonight we're going to begin the set with 'April in Paris', but I want to do it a little differently. We'll start in the key of G for the first four bars, then modulate to B-flat for the next eight bars, change the meter to 3/4 for six bars, then pick up the tempo to Allegro for twelve bars, then modulate to F-sharp for eight bars, change the meter back to 4/4 and slow down to Rubato for four bars, play a tacet for four bars, modulate up to D-flat for eight bars..."

"HEY, HOLD ON!" the girl said. "I can't do stuff like that without rehearsal!"

He said, "Why not? You've been doing it all fuckin' week long!"

A "C," an "E-flat," and a "G" go into a bar.
The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

Then there's the one about three guys waiting in line at the pearly gates. St. Peter is asking each applicant what he did on earth. The first guy says "I'm a doctor." St. Peter says "You're in." The next guy says "I'm a stockbroker." St. Peter says "This way, please." The third guy says "I'm a musician." St. Peter says "You'll have to go around to the back, in at the loading dock, up the freight elevator and through the kitchen..."

So this trumpet player dies. And when he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."

A man dies and goes to Heaven. They are having a test this week so St. Peter asks "How much money did you make?"
"About $150,000 a year." was the reply
What did you do?
Corporate Lawer
Okay go right on in.
Next fellow shows up.
How much did you make?
'About $300,000 a year.'
What did you do?
Stock brocker.
Okay go right on in.
Next fellow shows up.
How much did you make?
'About $5,000 a year.'
Oh, what instrument did you play?

Here is another Heaven joke for the jazz players.

St. Peter asks the person in front of the entrance line at the pearly gates, "What did you do in life?" The reply - "I was a physician." - brought a generous smile from St. Peter who said, "Very noble profession, you are welcome in heaven. Of course, there's nothing for you to do here as we have no illness of any kind, but you are most welcome in heaven. The bar on the left goes on forever, the buffet on the right goes on to eternity,and the pink fluffy looking cloud in the middle is where God hangs out; feel free to talk to God, and eat and drink as much as you like; you are welcome in heaven."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ St. Peter asks the next person in line, "What did you do in life?" The reply - "I was a lawyer." - brought a disgruntled look as St. Peter rolled his eyes and said, "Well, everyone is welcome in heaven. Of course, there's nothing for you to do here as we have no crime or ill will or accidents of any kind, but you are welcome in heaven. The bar on the left goes on forever, the buffet on the right goes on to eternity, and the pink fluffy looking cloud in the middle is where God hangs out; feel free to talk to God, eat and drink as much as you like; you are welcome in heaven."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ St. Peter asks the next person, "What did you do in life?" The reply - "I was a jazz musician." - brought an excited response of delight as St. Peter excitedly said, "You're going to love it here! The jam sessions go on forever! And you can play with Miles, or Trane, or Bill Evans. Duke Ellington writes a new piece for the band every day. There's plenty of solo space, no weird keys, nothing out of tune, no bad notes, no bad changes, and the time is always rock solid - you're going to love it here! You didn't park out front, did you? Stay away from the bar and the buffet table - and don't try to talk to God - he's busy. Could you come in through the loading dock? And do you have a sound system we could use during breaks?"

The assistant conductor finally took over and had his first session with the orchestra. He reckend he was a real hot shot. So he started off by saying Ôyou people have really been slacking off lately. So we're gonna set things straight. No more coming to rehearsal late. And be ready when I want to start. I can hear not everybody has been playing every note. And your clothes have even been a bit scruffy. Then from the back of the orchestra came a timpany roll bumbumbumbum. He said "all right who did that?"

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments?
Stump the band.

A singer was asked to audition for a nightclub gig in her local town. She asked a friend/piano player to accompany her for the audition. After listening to a couple of songs, the club owner asked her if she could sing "When Sonny Gets Blue". He said, "That's my favorite song, and if you can sing it, you're hired!" Needing the job, she leaned over to the piano player and whispered, "I know the song, but I'm not sure I know it all the way through." The piano player answered back, "It's OK, go ahead and start and I'll prompt you through it."
Reluctantly she began, "When Sonny gets blue..." and went blank. She looked at the pianist for help and he whispered confidently, "B-flat, minor 9th."

Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums. He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."

Two saxophone players happen to arrive on a street corner at the same exact time. Seeing each other's instrument cases, they look up and are startled to realize that they are long-lost friends.
"Richie! It's you!" exclaims one of the musicians.
''Eric!'' says the other. "I can't believe it! I haven't seen you since we were together at the Berklee College of Music!"
"That was ten years ago," says Eric. "Wow! The time passes so quickly! Tell me, Richie, what have you been doing all this time?"
''Well," says Richie, "a few months after I got out of school, I wrote a song that was a big hit record."
''Really?'' says Eric. "That's very hip. I'm surprised that I didn't hear a thing about that."
"Yeah, it was a real groove!-Then," Richie continues, "I got called out to Hollywood to do a film score. I did it, and I wound up winning an Oscar!"
''Far out!" says Eric. ''I can't believe that I didn't hear anything about that."
"Then," Richie goes on, ''I put a band together and we did an album that made it to number one on the jazz charts."
''Gimme five, Richie," says Eric. After they slap skin, Eric says, "It's remarkable that I didn't hear anything about that, either."
Richie says, ''Dig it! And while the album was still hot, the band went on The Tonight Show -nationwide television! But that night on the show there was a technical problem with the sound, and we couldn't hear each other. It was so bad that we couldn't play right, and we totally bombed."
''You know," says Richie, ''I think I heard about that. "

More recently, John Cage has written pieces for "prepared piano", which may involve attaching nuts, bolts, and other hardware to the strings, and other indignities. I heard a story (possibly apocryphal) that a horrified janitor once "cleaned up" one of his prepared pianos just before a concert. Cage came out, played one chord, screamed, and left the stage. Of course, this was indistinguishable from an actual Cage performance, so everyone clapped, and the reviewers wrote gushy praise about the groundbreaking new work.

Two women are walking through the woods when suddenly they hear a voice say, "Ladies! Ladies!" They look around but don't see anyone. Then they hear it again. "Ladies! Ladies! Down here!" They look down and see a small pond with a frog sitting on a lily pad.
"Is that you?" one of the ladies asks the frog.
"Yes," is the frog's reply.
The two women are in shock. "How can you talk to us?" They ask. "You're a frog."
"I got turned into a frog by a wicked witch," explains the frog. "I'm really a fantastic jazz saxophone player."
"Really?" say the women. "Is that true?"
"Yes," answers the frog, "and all it will take is one kiss from either of you, and I will immediately change back into a fantastic jazz saxophone player."
Right away, one of the women gets down on her knees, reaches across the pond to the lily pad and gently picks up the frog. She stands up and quickly puts the frog in her pocket and starts to walk away.
Her startled friend says, "Hey, wait a minute! Where are you going? He said that if you kiss him, he'll turn into a fantastic jazz saxophone player!"
"What are you, crazy?" says the other woman. "I can make a lot more money with a talking frog than I can with a fantastic jazz saxophone player."

An incident that happened to me some time ago.
I was playing for a band at a wedding one Saturday afternoon. During one of our breaks, the musicians were sitting at the table that had been set aside for the band and photographers, and we spontaneously began to tell jokes.
We happened to get into telling a string of Polish jokes and we were enjoying ourselves immensely until one of the guests, an older man, got up from his table which was situated (unfortunately) right next to ours. He came directly over to me.
"I heard those jokes you were telling," he said angrily, "and I'm Polish. Those jokes were extremely offensive to me.''
I apologized, and tried to explain that the jokes were told only in fun, and that we had no intention of making anyone feel uncomfortable. I also said that we would stop right away, but the man wouldn't let it drop.
He started raising his voice and was beginning to disturb people at the other tables. I tried to calm him down, but he seemed to be losing control of himself. It was starting to become very embarrassing, but I was totally unprepared for what happened next.
The man pulled a razor on me.
I was shocked, and everyone else at our table just sat there staring in disbelief as this man was going over the edge of sanity. I was hoping he wouldn't go too far, when he suddenly started to actually threaten me with the razor.
In the end, though, it all turned out all right, because he couldn't find any place to plug it in.

Watch out for those suck-in jokes!

Got a good one? Email it to me.

If you are really a glutton for punishment you can read about a zillion more music jokes at:
Instrument Jokes Also good because they are linked in catagories.
Back to Home page